ongoing spiritual wilderness…

This is going to be a strange blogpost!
I took communion for the first time today in nearly two years. That must seem strange for someone like me who calls himself a Christian… but lockdown has made me feel somewhat vulnerable in such ‘communal’ situations.
As some of my friends are aware, I’ve been struggling with my faith over recent years and frequently find myself at odds (or at least finding it difficult) to take some of the talks/sermons in my stride.

Today was a case in point (and stop reading here if this isn’t for you). The New Testament reading was taken from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians (Cor1 15: 12-20) and it dealt with the subject of resurrection. Now, while I do have some doubts from time to time about the resurrection account in the Bible, I’m basically a ‘believer’. What I struggle much more with is the business of our own personal resurrections. I have to say that I, for one, don’t believe in life after death… in the literal sense (I might change my mind, in due course, as I approach my dotage!).

But this morning’s Bible text included the following (taken from the NIV version of the Bible): “For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either” (verse 16) and “Now if there is no resurrection, what will those do who are baptized for the dead? If the dead are not raised at all, why are people baptized for them?” (verse 29) - and this message was duly endorsed/repeated in the morning’s talk/sermon.

So, on this basis, can I REALLY call myself a Christian?
Well, no doubt there will be many who would answer “no” but, interestingly, the BBC commissioned a survey in 2017 (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-39153121) and found that a quarter of people who describe themselves as Christians in Great Britain do not believe in the resurrection of Jesus.
 
The survey also suggested that:
·         17% of all people believe the Bible version word-for-word (not me)
·         31% of Christians believe word-for-word the Bible version (not me), rising to 57% among "active" Christians (those who go to a religious service at least once a month, as I do)(not me)
·         Exactly half of all people surveyed did not believe in the resurrection at all (not me)
·         46% of people say they believe in some form of life after death (not me) and 46% do not (me)

So, I’m not alone.
I appreciate that I could be accused (with some justification) that I ‘cherry-pick’ what I believe in. But what I find really difficult is being ‘told’ by some leaders of our church communities what my faith should consist of – with, apparently, no room for doubt. Effectively, the message seems to be: “this is what the Bible says, so it must be true (or pretty close)… and if you’re not prepared to accept this, then you can’t really call yourself a Christian”. They might not think that’s what they’re regularly telling me, but that’s message that I receive and/or perceive.

So, I continue my meandering faith exploration – with its joys and all its doubts. I very much miss the reassurances and encouragement from people like our former vicar Lee, who was at pains to welcome people like me “whatever page you’re on at the present time” in terms of our individual spiritual journeys.
PS: The above isn’t a plea for guidance(!)… I simply felt the need to record (for me) how I’m thinking faith-wise at the present time.