drinking with my dad on his 100th birthday...

Today is my Dad’s 100^th birthday. He died nearly 30 years ago, in 1992. I’m now older than he was when he died. He was a very good father – even if he and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on a whole range of things (race and politics, in particular – subjects I ended up realising were best avoided). I’ve been thinking of him a lot this week and am very conscious that some of our ‘best times’ were when he and I (just the two of us) were able to chat over a pint (or maybe two!) of beer ‘down the pub’ when we lived in Oxford and Thame.
So, today, I want to try to imagine us meeting up in the pub for a couple of beers (both of us in our 70s??) and chatting/catching up(?) about the important stuff in our lives…
 
There are so many regrets (from my side). My Dad died from lung cancer (within six months of diagnosis). In his last few months, I wanted to talk to him about his life (his memories, the joys, the regrets)… but, sadly, we didn’t get to do this (was that my fault or was it just that it was too difficult for him to actually TALK about such stuff?). We’re very fortunate to have some of his letters/notes expressing thanks to people who’d been important to him and reflections on what he saw as the important things in life (kindness, nature, beauty and a thirst for discovering new things). I had wanted to drive him to places (ideally, just him and me) that he’d loved and for which we both had particular memories (when he was still vaguely fit enough to do so) – like the regular family picnic spot by the river at Aston Cantlow, near Henley-in-Arden, or the Flagpole (or “Tadpole” as younger family members called it!) on Cannock Chase or Llanrhaeadr or Bispham… so many places. But he just wasn’t up for it.
I found the whole experience hugely frustrating and saddening… and it now all feels a bit of blur? Did I try hard enough?
(Looking back, I think I was perhaps trying to prepare MYSELF for grieving him and now feel somewhat guilty that I had tried to press him too much on such matters).
 
My Dad was born in Birmingham and came from a working class background (two older sisters and a younger brother). He was a print compositor and a lovely, kind, gentle man (but actually also quite shy). He married my Mum in March 1948 and I was born in February 1949, so they didn’t have much opportunity to ‘let their hair down’! He was quite an intelligent man who, I think, was very conscious of his working class background. As I grew older, I felt he was almost embarrassed by what he saw as his lack of education (although, of course, he would never have admitted this). Whenever he wrote a letter, they frequently ‘read’ overly-formal/flowery and regularly contained words which weren’t quite used correctly (and he wrote LOTS of letters - of complaint to the Council or of appreciation to Hollywood stars and the like!). He was a strict disciplinarian and could be pretty obstinate at times (surely not something I’ve inherited from him?) and his favourite family saying was: “If I say ‘black’s white’, black’s white”! 
 
But, hey, back to the pub…
There’s so much to talk about. I’m so proud of my family… and so, of course, I want to tell him that Moira and I will be celebrating our 50^th wedding anniversary next year – and how wonderful it’s been to be married to her. I want to tell him about my architectural practice (he knew I’d become a partner in 1979)… and he’d probably be shocked to learn that I’d retired from architecture at the age of 55 (ridiculous!)(and that I went on to work in a school for 6 years supporting and mentoring pupils). I want to tell him about how wonderful his granddaughters (who were 12, 14 and 16 when he died) have ‘turned out’. As someone with an art ‘background’, I know he’d be absolutely thrilled to know that Ru and Hannah have made illustration/design/print/graphics their careers… and, as someone who loved the use of words, he would be thrilled to learn that Alice is a published author (I remember him challenging himself to learn new words/meanings on a daily basis via the ‘Reader’s Digest’)(He was very fond of words - but hardly ever read any books, from what I remember?). I want to tell him about the six great-grandchildren he never met… and about their humour and all the ‘stuff’ in their lives (I can imagine him just smiling and gently shaking his head with pride… and with a ‘who’d have thought?’ expression on his face). I want to tell him we moved to Bristol in 2003. I want to tell how lovely my brother is… and how proud he’d be of him.
 
But, crucially, there are SO many things that I want to ask HIM about. So many questions:
I want to ask him about his relationship with his father. It seemed to me that, although it was good relationship, they weren’t particularly close (or perhaps that’s simply my perception?)(I certainly think he was closer to his mother). I want to ask about his father’s working life and what he knew of his general family background.
I want to ask him about Vittoria Junior School of Arts+Crafts, Birmingham (now Birmingham School of Jewellery). This was my Dad’s school from the age of 13 until (we think) he was apprenticed to Dams and Lock (printers) at the age of 16. The new school had been opened in the (then) factory building at 84 Vittoria Street in 1890 as a school for the jewellery and silverware industry - housing up to 460 boys from the age of twelve and a half years. We don’t really know how or why Dad (as a working class youngster) attended this school. Was it because his father had been a “jewellery worker” (according to the 1911 census)? The Birmingham Jewellery and Silversmiths Association had been keen to set up a school for the industry and so perhaps they had encouraged attendance by boys of their own workers? Presumably he walked (or cycled?) the 2-3miles to school each day?
I want to ask him about his relationship with his siblings. Clearly, his sister Olive was his favourite sibling. It always seemed to me that he was very much in her shadow – she had a much more affluent life-style – big house, car, nice holidays etc. I wanted to know how he felt about his gay brother (when did he realise… or did he?)(I don’t think the subject was ever really mentioned as far as the rest of the family was concerned?).
I want to ask him about his teenage years and adulthood. About growing up in Handsworth; about his time in India during the war; about life after the war (rationing, moving into Westbourne Road, ‘Aunty’ Ella); about his closest friends (did have any ‘close’ friends outside family or people from his RAF days?).
I want to ask him about his working life. Was he happy in his career? Would he have liked to have pursued a different career path? Did he regret leaving Dams+Lock when he did? Other job choices/decisions (eg.not moving to Norfolk in the late 1960s, I think?, when he had a job opportunity to do so). His ridiculous daily routine (when he was at Dams+Lock) of returning home on the bus from town (plus walk, 20 mins), eating his meal (20mins) and busing back into town (20mins) all within his ‘lunch hour’! 
I want to ask him about his happiest/funniest memories. Meeting Mum; family life (or not!); his Ford Anglia; places such as Llanrhaeadr, Blackpool, Llangranog, Australia… and other holidays etc etc? Supporting the Albion (and travelling to many of their away games in later years)(and having two sons who became Villa supporters!). The great times they had in their caravan at the site in Bromyard. Silly things that happened in his life. About the time when he brought home a Yugoslavian man for some lunch (Dad had found him rather lost, confused and hungry near Snow Hill Station and invited back for a meal – and me being introduced to him as a ‘German-speaker’ because German had been on my school timetable for the previous 6 months – needless to say I was of very little help!). About the time he brought home singer Danny Williams (‘Moon River’ UK number 1 record in 1961!) who he’d found outside our local ‘Plaza’ (he was due to appear there that evening, but no one had turned up to let him in!)… and how we chalked his name on the chair he’d sat on!!
I want to ask him if he had any regrets? In an ideal world, would he have delayed having a family for a year or so?
I want to ask him about his lung cancer. I want him to know how frustrated we all were… and how sad those last few months were (for us and, no doubt, for him). If he had his time over again, would he want to do anything differently in those final days (illness permitting)?
 
Oh, and of course, there are one or two ‘other matters’ I think Dad would be interested to hear…

• We have two (or three?) computers in our house.
• There’s this thing called the internet which allows you to ‘access’ information using one’s computer instantly… news, weather, sport, history, politics and lots, lots more (Dad would have absolutely loved the internet!).
• People no longer bother to have ‘land line’ telephones… virtually everyone has their own ‘mobile telephone’ (and their own individual telephone number) which enables them to receive and make calls from anywhere in the world.
• There’s some technology called GPS (Global Positioning System) which can track your location anywhere in the world… people have systems in their cars, their mobile phones and their watches. GPS helps you get where you are going, from point A to point B.
• There’s technology that enables you to get maps on your mobile phone (and in your car!) and which also provides interactive panoramas from positions along streets throughout the world.
• People are now able to speak to AND see their friends/colleagues via their computer/phone screens (anywhere in the world)… at no extra cost.
• There are now driver-less cars (although I’ve not been in one!).
• We have a Climate Crisis which threatens the future of the planet (attributed largely to the increased levels of atmospheric carbon dioxide produced by the use of fossil fuels).
• We’re currently struggling to come to terms with a pandemic virus which has killed some 130,000 people in the UK in the past year (and some 3million deaths worldwide).
• Of course, I could list a multitude of other changes and developments…
• Oh, and the Queen is still on the throne!

SO much to chat about and debate. If we’re not careful, we’d find ourselves discussing the banned subject of politics… oh, and ‘Black Lives Matter’!!
Probably best just to talk about sport… I think it’s his ‘round’!
Photos: Mom and Dad (1947?); Extract (page 15!) from one of Dad’s letters/reflections, written dated 21 February 1992 (5 months before he died); Dad and me (1949).